Things you didn’t know before you became a parent
“Mothers are all slightly insane”- J.D. Salinger
- You will refer to other adults as Clarissa’s mom or holly’s granny all the while never knowing that persons actual name.
Left overs and cold food and drinks are actually delicious.
- How little sleep you can actually function on is incredible. You can still go to work and do your job after being woken up three times in the night, the third time being 4am when your 1 year old thought it was the official wake up time.
- You need not teach your children about certain things – they are born knowing them, aside from knowing how to crawl and how to cry they also know how to swipe an iPhone open, how to manipulate you, how to make an awful mess and how to make you smile.
- Gone are the days of Mascara, eye shadow, lip gloss and blush gather dust. These are now saved for special occasions like a wedding or job interview. Your beauty routine now consists of brushing your teeth and hair, okay maybe not your hair on bad days.
- Leaving for work or dropping off at day care is depressing but coming home from work is like a party when you’ve been away for a year or more.
- Being pregnant makes your body change, you may think this is obvious but the changes are not always expected. My feet have shrunk from having children – no lies! 2 sizes, I’ve got these little feet now, they would be cute if I was a little girl but I’m a full grown woman. I’m also convinced that something funny has happened to my ribs, I swear my ribs have widened. Dresses don’t zip up anymore despite having lost my baby weight.
Crocs will invade your life, blue ones, pink ones, toy story and frozen ones.
- You will not know your baby’s cry instantly – it’s a myth. But by the time your third comes around I reckon you hope it’s someone else’s and just block it out. Also not everything is ‘mothers instinct’ I got a few nappies on backwards (still do) and wasnt really sure what I was meant to do when they were awake, fully fed and clean but you learn and it’s okay.
- They, these little creatures, have their own personalities, no matter what you do, not matter how many books you read or research you do they will have their likes and dislikes and there is sweet little you can do to change everything (or anything in some cases). But as much as they have their own personalities you will still see flashes of you or your partner – so help you if you were once a little terror yourself, we are suffering from a bad case of Karma ourselves.
- The dream of clean carpets, cushions, bedding and almost everything else is gone – kids eat and eat with their hands like little cavemen and then they touch things and drop crumbs and food in their wake. I have moments where I give up and just pretend I didn’t see a drop of ice-lolly hit the t-shirt and then the couch (granted I do have a designated messy couch).
With kids, if they’re awake their first preference is being on you – standing on your toe, elbowing the Crown Jewels, hanging on your hair – as long as they’re touching you happiness reigns.
- Bags with leather or fabric innards are a no no, everything sticks to leather and ruins it. It’s so sad but now you’re after canvas interiors or plastic. It’s amazing what you can dishwash 🙂
- You can no longer have a drink out of any bottle or cup alone, you have to share and the worst part – the sharers you’re sharing with love dropping bits of food back into the drink.
- Watching a movie or a whole tv show is a treat. Enjoy it while you can because when you have kids you either are interrupted 400 times and forget what is going on or you fall asleep.
- Expect to wear the same clothes every third day when you go on holiday because there is no longer any space for your clothes in the suitcase – the space you used to use for multiple shoes is now taken up by blankets, nappies and every clothes change possible.
- Dangly earrings or pretty dangly necklaces are a thing of the past as are sequined tops or anything with sticking out trim – unless of course it’s edible.
- Pram envy becomes you – you will find yourself checking out prams as they go past or being the subject of some checking out.
Conversations about poo are not taboo, such conversation is completely normal and welcomed!
- Just have a baby and you will become one of those people. Those people who: posts countless pics of your baby and child on social media. Until your second child arrives then you’ll struggle to find any picture of your second child or of your second child alone. Those people who seem unable to discipline their 3 year old in the shops. Those people who freak out when their child has a rash and are convinced its life threatening even after the doctor tells you it’s heat rash, for the second time.
- Getting ready to leave the house becomes an Olympic medal worthy challenge – you will be challenged by multiple obstacles in weaving your way through the house (over Lego and round the dolls) you will do a second maybe third loop as you leave things behind, you may even pass the baton to your partner a few times (‘you carry this and I’ll grab that, no hang on, give me her and you take this’.) This challenge is a marathon not a sprint and it would take Usain Bolt at least 30 minutes to move the 100 meters from the lounge to the car.
- No matter who you are – King of England or the President of the United States at some point you will be pooped on wee’d on or vomited on. It the great equalizer of us mortals – just hope it’s not all at the same time and your nails are short.
- As you fall asleep at night or sit in traffic on the way to work – you will rehearse all the songs from the Disney channel or Cbeebies lucky you! The only relief is to phone your partner and tell them so they too can have the specific song stuck in their heads.
Trendy kids clothes cost the same as their adult counterparts – it’s a tiny amount of fabric in comparison – by square meter the stuff may as well be made out of gold.
- You just gotta let go, they will colour out the lines (and you can’t get upset), the will get mud on their shoes and they will fall over but they learn as they go and it won’t be as shocking the second time around.
You will know joy like you have never known before and it’ll hit you bang between the eyes in the most arbitrary moments.
If you enjoyed this style of parenting humour below are links to more humorous posts.
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