THE PARENTAL INCENTIVE PLAN
Introducing the Parental Incentive Plan
The Parental Incentive Plan is going to blow your mind. It’s what you always needed but didn’t know you did.
I’m working on a new incentive system. A rewards programme if you like, like AMEX or Woolies has. It is called the Parenting Incentive Plan, people will call it PIP, and it will be amazing.
It starts in pregnancy where you enter into a contract with the expected child. You will be the rewards receiver and they will be the rewarder. The deal is signed and comes into effect immediately upon birth. (Can you tell I’m a lawyer – I’ve thought this through).
As the parent you will accrue points which you can then collect for rewards.
How to accrue Parental Incentive Plan Points
You will accrue 1 point for each of the following:
- each hour you are awake between 4am and 7am
- each hour you’re woken up for a chat, question or debate between 12 midnight and 4am
- avoiding embarrassing your child in public (child must be over 10 years of age for this credit to accrue)
- carrying your child and his/her scooter home or up hill for a distance exceeding 50m and additional point for every 20m thereafter
- every children’s book you’ve read more than 10 times
- a tantrum in a public place
- any injury to your body that draws blood or requires a time-out except where it results in scarring
- having an audience whilst you’re on the loo
- every night you go to bed with one of your kids’ songs, nursery rhyme or the like in your head
Five points will be credited in the following circumstances:
- being vomitted on in public
- every time you stand on Lego
- two children simultaneously throwing a tantrum in public
- being injured to the extent that you scar
- irreparable harm being done to any of your favourite pieces of clothing (maximum of three incidences a year)
- traveling anywhere, in or on any form of transport, for more than 90 minutes (every 2 hours thereafter will accrue another 5 points)
- every time you replace a new item of clothing or equipment which was lost
- every vaccination (it hurts you more than it hurts them)
- your child tells a relative stranger one of your intimate personal details or theirs that only you and your family / spouse know.
There will be days when you get double or triple points:
- Double points for Mother’s Day and 29 February; and
- Triple points for your birthday.
Parental Incentive Plan Exclusionary Days
But there will also be exclusionary days when you can’t earn any points.
- A child’s birthday
- 5pm from Christmas Eve until 5pm on Christmas Day
These are high need days when you cannot be accommodated, I’m sorry it’s just the way it is – I didn’t make the rules.
Parental Incentive Plan Rewards
The rewards are as follows (and for the cost of the child)
- 10 000 will earn you a night off.
- 50 000 will earn you your choice of embarrassing photos of them to be used in public at their 21st. birthday party or on social media.
- 50 000 will earn you a new zimmerframe.
- 50 000 will earn you the right to be their friend or follower on social media, all access.
- 100 000 will earn you the right to set them up on a single blind date with one of your friends children or someone you met at the supermarket.
- 100 000 will earn you a over-55s residence upgrade.
- 100 000 will earn you an automated stair-lift.
- 1 000 000 and their first born shall be named after you.
Parental Incentive Plan Terms and Conditions
- Like any good reward / incentive scheme the whole point accrual and reward system will change every year when you will get new cards and a new pin 🙂 at this point make sure to cash in your accumulated points by writing it on a till slip and sticking it to the fridge – that way it’ll never get lost.
- The contract terminates on the 21st birthday so from then on no further points can accrue, it’ll just be a labour of love from then on out.